Why You Should Add a Mirror to Your Teacher Toolbox
I don’t actually think that talking to kids and teenagers is completely intuitive. I’m quite a down-to-earth and relatable teacher as it goes, and yet I still don’t know how to respond to many situations. What I am even more sure of though, is that this skill set certainly is not innate and everyone could do with a little bit of help now and then.
Take my earliest teaching days for example…
…when I really had no idea what I was doing. I thought that with a one-on-one conversation I could level with anyone.
“George, could you step outside the classroom, please? I want to talk to you.”
I would say in response to some poor behaviour. Only, once we were outside together I had no real aim for what I wanted to get out of the conversation, no ready-to-go lines, and these negotiations always went nowhere — if anything just making things worse.
It wasn’t until a mentor of mine spoke to me that I started to improve in these situations. She provided me with an arsenal of manoeuvres to re-motivate or contract with students to move them forwards in the lesson and allow them to re-join the fold and have a successful lesson.
One such move was to take the unproductive student outside of the lesson wearing a stern look on my face only to step outside and ask: “What’s up?”
This worked a charm and the most likely reaction was for the student to open up and say they’re not having the best day.
From there it was easy to acknowledge them and ask them to try their best.
Again, they usually did.
What I didn’t realize though, is that this opening line gave me the opportunity to use a technique far more powerful than any other in my locker: and that technique is called mirroring.
Mirroring: What is it?
Scrolling mindlessly through reels this week, I stumbled across gold. A clip from Jocko Willink’s Podcast 354: Everything in Life Is A Negotiation with Chris Voss.
Jocko, in this clip, reads an excerpt from “Never Split The Difference”, written by former FBI hostage negotiator, Chris Voss:
“…of the entirety of the FBI’s hostage negotiation skillset mirroring is the closest one gets to a Jedi mind trick. For the FBI, a mirror is when you repeat the last three words or the critical one to three words of what someone just said…”
After a further google search, I found that mirroring is the behaviour wherein you copy the gestures, body language, speech, or attitude of someone that you’re in conversation with.
It is used in psychotherapy, coaching, and even many YouTube self help clips for people who want to make more friends…
Does it work?
Short answer: Yes.
Although, if we are to be precise with our language, most of the psychological studies conducted have looked at ‘mimicry’ or ‘imitation’ as ‘mirroring’ is more describing the subconscious copying of mannerisms and speech.
One study found for example that participants were six times more likely to help a researcher pick up dropped pens if they had been previously mirrored. Another found that waiters who mirrored their tables received 70% more in tips than those who used positivity and praise with theirs.
Apparently, there is also a neurological basis for the success of this phenomenon. Lymbic synchrony and mirror neuron activation can be crucial for rapport building and so just by copying someone’s expressions and words back to them, we can stimulate empathy and connection together.
So how can we use this in our classrooms?
As teachers, we’re often moving students towards goals that they might not have chosen for themselves.
I know that reading this text will be good for you, eleven-year-old child, even if you think that reading is boring and pointless.
Sometimes we need to motivate, persuade, and even negotiate with students.
And for the most part, I think that this comes down to good pedagogy, lesson design, and building positive behaviour norms in your classroom. But sometimes, often maybe, you need to break through to a young person. It is a people-facing job after all and many of these children have other things on their minds.
So the next time you ask a student what’s up, or how are you finding your English lessons. Consider focussing on your listening and making that student feel heard.
Rushing to a solution or trying to persuade them of the opposite of what they want doesn’t really help them to feel ‘bought in’ to you or to the learning process.
Just repeating back to them what they’ve said feels surprisingly affirming.
Even if what the student has said is wildly at odds with your own perception or priorities:
“You gave me a warning for talking, but I wasn’t even talking! That’s so unfair!” they huff.
“Oh, so you’re feeling frustrated about getting a warning earlier?” I reply with genuine realization and compassion in my voice.
“Yes.”
“And you feel like you’ve been singled out unfairly?” I suggest.
They nod.
I’ve actually had this example happen. We reached no solution. I didn’t even ask the student to try to focus on their work. I didn’t even suggest to them that they rationalize — that it’s only a warning and they can still have a good lesson, as I often might.
The student regulated themselves surprisingly quickly and was back working shortly after.
I’m not suggesting that I’m a Jedi, or that this student couldn’t have regulated on their own. But I’m having enough examples now in the classroom and outside, where just mirroring someone gets surprisingly effective results.
I think it’s because it’s coming from a genuine place. They feel heard and like we’re on the same team.
That becomes important and it gets you some ‘buy-in’ at least.
I’ve found having a Medium page quite exposing in many ways.
Writing about just about anything reveals a great deal of personal shortcomings.
My worry now, for example, is that maybe the above skill set does come naturally to most people. Maybe most people don’t need to learn to explicitly mirror because they just have good people skills.
But my hunch is that there is at least a small number of people in the world who could benefit from this instruction and if you try it, you might just find that the effects are as influential as I did.
I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments if you have any.
