How to Speak Your Mind More as an Introvert
I’ve sort of set myself a little unofficial challenge over the last two months to speak more from the heart and to be less reserved over what I do chose to say.
When I was younger, I used to say the first thing that popped into my mind without thinking. I was the class clown. I was funny, weird, and popular.
Strangely, the most inane piece of advice from a teacher really stuck in my head and has changed me ever since. The advice was to always think before you speak.
That was it.
I mean… how generic!
But it really did change me. I had a bit of an epiphany on the back of that advice. I noticed that I really did just speak without thinking and with practice began to saw that I could think first and edit what I was about to say live in the moment.
Brilliant.
So now I think before I speak, and I say way less stupid stuff!
But the problem is that now I have become so inhibited and so thoughtful that I often decide to withhold my thoughts entirely, I can be muscled out of conversation for not being quick enough, and I struggle to speak from the heart because I talk myself out of it.
Like everything in life, balance is important. And honestly, half of people probably need to have the advice that I got as a kid. Lots of people do need to think before they speak.
But if you’re an introvert like me and you recognise any of these problems then this is for you. Some of my reflections on the process and how it’s going:
1. You can’t plan it.
I’m a teacher and sometimes that means needing to communicate motivational concepts to young people who aren’t feeling motivated.
I watch other amazing and inspirational teachers do it on a regular basis and yet when it comes to that moment, I often crumble and let the moment slip. I’ll talk myself out of it like I said before. Or I’ll try to think through everything that I want to say before I say it and of course then it’s too late.
There are different archetypes of leaders and you don’t necessarily need to be a charismatic extrovert, but it happens to be really useful in these kinds of situations.
One week I tried to cheat my own process. I thought of lots of stuff that I wanted to say to the students to motivate them at one point. I had a few ideas loosely rehearsed in my head.
But honestly, when it came out, it just didn’t sound right. It was stilted and weird and didn’t match the situation.
My reflection in that moment is that you can’t just take thoughts from one situation into another and say them without context. It needs to feel authentic and heartfelt.
Now I’m sure that you probably could rehearse things to say and actually do a much better job of this and get it right, but for what I’m trying to do it has to come from the heart and it has to match the moment.
2. It’s not always going to be perfect.
The idea of just speaking my mind terrifies me to my core.
It’s like… What’s going to come out?
No really.
Because it could be anything. It could go nowhere. It could be completely inappropriate. I could run a blank. Anything!
And whilst I’m proud of the person I am that can think before I speak, and mostly do, it would be nice to sometimes just be brave and trust myself.
Because when you’re walking home and thinking back on a situation and thinking, ‘Oh I wish I’d have said x, y, z’ you realise pretty quickly that once you say the ‘X’, the ‘Y’ and the ‘Z’ do just naturally follow.
Essentially, speaking your thoughts before you’ve vetted them is the same thing as thinking, but it’s like the extrovert’s version.
So just trust yourself. If you can think it, then you can say it.
Be brave. I’m trying to be.
3. You just have to force it.
I try to be brave.
I think something and I just say it.
It’s like skydiving (although I’ve never been) and the thing where you just have to jump before you think about it. Because if you wait for more then 5 seconds, you won’t do it.
I just remembered that this is an actual psychological thing. See Mel Robbins talk about it here.
Take a deep breath and say it.
I’ve had it now where: I tell people my honest thoughts of them and it’s brought us closer; I share my thoughts in meetings now a lot more without being asked and it’s made me more influential; I have managed to communicate motivational ideas for my students; and I cut to the chase much quicker when having constructive discussions with my wife.
It might seem counter intuitive to actually stop thinking before you speak, but in certain situations it has enriched my life. I think that balance is key and thinking is still my default mode, but it is very useful to be able to say how you feel and to say it quickly.
And that’s it.
If you enjoyed this article, you might enjoy my post about why I’ve started talking to myself and the benefits that I’ve noticed.
